Siamatic to my soul
deep within the pit of my being
I feel gushes of hope
and then I stop seeing.

I love the stillness of the wind
the movement of deep waters
waif-like touch of your being
crushing my other.

Up against the hill
drowned in the loch
my vision fails me
my eyes moisten over

I reach out to you
my fingers holding on to the winds
I am slipping now
I lie within your sin


-Moi

My mind is constantly updating a list of Dos and Don't s in relationships. What stumps me more than the 'meaning of life', is the complexities of relationships. Probably because I believe that no matter what lies beyond now, what is truly important is what lies within the now. It is the experiences we have had, people we have met and the thoughts we have entertained that truly make up our lives. And all these factors lead to one outcome. Relationships. Some we can choose to be in, most we cannot. But everything that we can call life in tangible terms stems from, leads to, is made up of and ends with relationships.

A baby's relationship with the womb signifies the start of life. A man's relationship with a woman, a husband's relationship with his wife, a mother's relationship with her daughter, teacher's relationship with the pupil, an employer's relationship with his employees, man's relationship with money, nature's relationship with all things living and otherwise, the universes' relationship with energy; life defines relationships and relationships define life.
As I sit here and type, I realise how my entire being is a result of relationships; ironically, the one I am a result of, I wasnt even aware of.

There is but one truth of my life which is that the people in my life make me. Many would consider that a sign of weakness or simply having no identity of my own. I differ. I am proud to be a product of various influences in my life. It has been replete with warm, interesting, diverse, strange, wonderful and loving people. I am so kicked about the 21 years of life that have led me that I cannot wait to lead the next 40.

A poem that comes a little close to describing how I feel after losing my dad.

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

   -- W.H. Auden

THATS what I have been upto lately!

Ok, so I am currently unemployed (not out of choice, mind you!), am not in possesion of my passport and I am going to maintain status quo (not out of choice, mind you!) for the next month or so.
I have to do something with my time...I decide to do nothing. No, its not entirely a case of 'Garfiedlitis'. Somewhat, but not entirely. There are countless reasons why I am doing nothing. For one, the outside temperature is inversely proportional to my motivation to 'go get 'em!' Which reminds me...I HATE that phrase! 'Go get 'em!' Get fucking WHOM?! Who should I GET?! And why the fuck would I to GET them?!! I dont want to get THEM I want to get something else! I want to get a stash of cash which replenishes itself and I want a Mushroom house mansion (it's a childhood fantasy) where the minimum qualification required for butlers and house staff would be a stint as models for Playboy. I want to own the world's first Air cruise liner. I want to get to White House and personally kick Bush and Condi on their backsides. I want to teach Kofi Anan a thing or two about assertiveness and self-respect. I want to produce a puppet show starring Tony and Manmohan Singh. And at the end of the day I want to wait for Sohail with a hot meal and a warm smile as he comes home after a hard day's work.

Which reminds me, there IS someone I want to get ;)

Sometimes, we do not need a pillar to lean on but simply a shoulder to walk alongside with.

Apocalypto

'When the end is near, not everyone is ready to go.'
The film could not be summed up in simpler words. After Passion of the Christ, Mel Gibson has come up with yet another pathbreaking epic of human civilisation and man's eternal quest for survival.

Not for the weak hearted,the movie will keep you on the edge of your seat with mind blowing sequences and a thought provoking story line.

"A great civilization is not conquered from without until it has destroyed itself from within." The film opens with this quote by W. Durant. Set during the Mayan civilisation, it depicts the strife and struggles of a tribe living in the Mesoamerican jungle to survive the invasion by soldiers of a Mayan city. Gibson's depiction of the Mayan times; despite inaccuracies, is commendable. His attention to detail and conviction in the narrative ensure that one is not left wondering whether the film is but a product of Gibson's fantastic imagination.

The film works at various levels. Its appeal is not merely superficial. It has a soul. The way Jaguar Paw (Rudy Youngblood) fights to survive the torture inflicted on him by the Mayan soldiers, and rescue his pregnant wife Seven (Dalia Hernandez) and son Turtle Run is inspiring to say the least. The only thing I drew from the film was strength. Its been a while since I saw a film which reinforced my belief in the power of the soul; that truly any obstacle can be overcome with a strong enough will; That, despite the strentgh and the will, civilisations have the incurable tendency of wiping themselves out. And then again, 'When the end is near, not everyone is ready to go.'

This is the stuff classics are made of.

4:20 am. not a wink of sleep. feel like the day has just started [well, technically it has just started] but i mean just started for me. its weird though coz yesterday has not yet ended for me.

Maybe I am afraid to sleep. afraid to close my eyes and turn away from something that has to be done. Maybe I am tired of sleep, I have had too much of it. Maybe I dont want to feel lonely all over again. I am not afraid of lonliness, I just don't like it much. Sure I enjoy my company, but then my thoughts dont let me be. they try to keep me company and vie for my attention but I just wish they would go away. I remember the times when I was a different person. which was not too long ago. and then i think about what changed. it was a big change, a huge change, which happened so quickly that I have barely digested it. I am yet to observe its finesse, to witness its finality, to bear the brunt of the devastation.

I did not see the hurricane coming. it swept me off my feet and I have no idea where I will land as I am still reeling in the dusty clouds and the force of the winds of change.