To my Future Daughter-in-Law

Dear Daughter,

I write you this letter because I wish this was done for me. In fact, I wish this was done by every woman who might have a daughter in law some day. This is important to me because I can fully understand the trials and tribulations you will have to go through as a woman throughout your life in this not-so-fair world of ours. And the last thing I would want is for me to add to your struggles. I write to you so I can be held to my words for years to come. So here goes:

1. I will welcome you with wide open arms:

No matter what your religion, nationality, beliefs and values;  no matter what you look like or sound like or dress like, I will have no pre-conceived notions about you. I will welcome you with wide open arms for who you are and not who I want you to be.

2. I will not be insecure:

I know that it might be a little difficult initially to digest that my son's time and attention will be further divided, but that is my problem, not yours. I will suck it up and remind myself that just the way I am irreplaceable for him as a mother, you are irreplaceable to him as a partner. We cannot replace each other, and so, it is not a competition. We all complete each other in our own unique ways and let us never forget that.

3. Both your families are equally important:

I have had the misfortune of witnessing first hand that a bride's family is treated lesser than the groom's. Whether it is my son or my son-in-law, your family will be treated with as much love and respect as everybody else's. Nobody is above you and nobody is below you. And your parents have equal right over your time and attention as we do.

4. I will never tell you how to run your home or life:

Just the way I have faith in my son's upbringing, I will not question yours by resorting to constant interference or suggestions on how to go about your lives. I may not agree with everything you might do, but that does not make me right. I will respect your decisions just as you will mine.

5. I will not take away your identity:

When a man marries a woman, the woman equally marries a man. So as much as you become a part of our family, we become a part of yours. I would completely respect, in fact endorse the decision of you not dropping your own family name for ours. I didn't, and I do not believe any woman should HAVE to. On the same lines, I will encourage you to give both family names to your children. Your identity is as integral to their being as my son's. Do not let anybody tell you otherwise.

6. You are not the 'Outsider':

It is amusing to see how most women treat their daughters-in-law as outsiders, when they detested being treated like one. I am as much an outsider as you are, so lets just not go there.

There is so much more I want to say to you, but maybe in another letter. For now, remember this, I will love and respect you as I do my children.You do not have to live by my rules and expectations because you have your own. Remember, age has nothing to do with wisdom, So I look forward to learning things from you as you might from me. Lastly, always remember that you are as important as all of us and we are thrilled to have one more partner-in-crime! :)

Love,
Bhakti

Still..

There is no road to follow and no path to lead. I still walk.

There are no winds to sway and no air to breathe. I still exist.

There is no star to guide and no ship to sail. I still venture.

There is nothing to hide and there is nothing to seek. I still search.

There is no love to give and no hate to garner. I still relate.

There are no words to be spoken and no language to master. I still convey.

There is no point to prove and no ego to pamper. I still reiterate.

There is no time to waste and no day to end. I still wait.

There is no vibrancy to exude and no joy to feel. I still smile.

There is no bond to break and no bridges to mend. I still complicate.

- Bhakti Shah

The Nigella Hangover

Planning lunches, chopping veggies, scouring the internet for fancy recipes and seeing the delight on my guinea pigs' faces...welcome my new-found passion...cooking!

A pinch of salt and a dash of pepper, a smack of cheese and a sprinkle of sugar! Cheddar delights and tabasco thrills, wine drizzles and olives spring!

The wealth of dysfunctional families

I doubt that any one of us thinks we come from normal families. Because, our definition of normal, only exists on TV screens and those large perpetual happy families can only be played on the reel, not the real.

Most of us hold the deepest grudge in our hearts against our parents; mother was not motherly enough, father drank too much, parents fought too much, sibling is too self centered or that your folks couldn't afford to buy you that new car and send you to study abroad.
Despite complaining, you look for a woman who is just like your mother and a man who drinks like your father; However,there is a certain wealth that dysfunctional families leave to their children.

The wealth of knowledge of mistakes never to be repeated and of outcomes of unconventional parenting.

Thank your parents for teaching you the most important lessons in life.

"My parents taught me everything I need to unlearn"

ParliamenTV!

I love Reality shows. Im not going to lie, I really do. Its big screen entertainment in my living room, and I'm not complaining!

Lately I happened to catch some panel discussions on reality shows like Sach ka Saamna, where a bunch of people were 'exchanging thoughts'. Honestly all I managed to catch through the 1 hour debate, were the words 'Indian culture' and 'Individual choice'.

Two Questions:
1. Will the show impact society and encourage such behaviour (assuming it isn't very common).

or

2. Does the show bring to our TV sets what already exists everywhere in our society?

I think its a combination of both. When I watched Moment of Truth, it was very interesting, but I never once squirmed in my seat. When I watched Sach ka saamna, I must admit, I did squirm. But, then it made me realise that FINALLY, the Indian society is naked for itself to see.
I think the reason so many people are offended, is because the show does not leave any room for us to veil our hypocrisy under the garb of 'Indian culture and traditions'.

The show might be rigged, in that the participants might know what questions they have to answer. But, its highly suspect whether they make up stories about their lives to make the show irresistible. Which means that this is a REALITY in our society.

As far as the timing of the show is concerned, lets not be naive here. You have really suggestive to outright sexual, condom and deo ads playing out on the tele at all 'decent' times of the day. So, to say that this show is specifically detrimental to young minds is not quite right. Afterall, as is the case with all TV shows and movies, viewer discretion and parental guidance is always a must. The Indian audience is not stupid!

Another thing that really amused me was Mr. Yadav going cuckoo over Balika Vadhu. It was, kind of cute. No, seriously, imagine a 50 something high profile politician rushing home after a high powered politico meeting in time to catch a show about a cranky, silly young girl dressing up like 'Barbie in India'. That is of course assuming Mr. Yadav has actually WATCHED the show. I mean, which leader would create a furore in the PARLIAMENT no less, about a TV show that they haven't even seen! errr...right Mr. Sharad Yadav?

But then again, thats what I love about our country. Where else in the world would you find the Indo-Pak Joint statement and Balika Vadhu being discussed in the same session?

The trouble with dreams is...

1. They say only those that you see early in the morning come true.

2. Day dreaming is no good (Damn! All those years wasted!)

3. If they are about me, they are selfish and will probably come true but with grave consequences.

4. If they are about the greater good of humanity, they are probably unrealistic, utopian and far fetched. Besides, charity begins at home, right?

5. You spend a better part of your life dreaming dreams, which leaves little time to make them come true.

6. If you spend lesser time dreaming and more time doing, then they say a life without dreams is like a cow without milk, a light without bulb, a street without dogs, Mumbai without turds...you get the drift.

7. They say 'dream, but without the condition that they have to come true.' Helloooo....I dream coz I bloody well want it for real!!

8. There are different types of dreams...the good dreams, bad dreams, nightmares, wet dreams, strange dreams, the 70 mm dreams, empty dreams (where you know you dreamt but have no clue what!), silent dreams, abstract dreams, technicolour dreams, black and white dreams...and they say they ALWAYS mean something. Im not so sure if thats true.

9. If you have noticed, there are 2 types of dreams...the ones you see at night and the other type is a sugarcoat for ambitions, secret power struggles, desires; I am talking about both here. Sometimes, there is a fine line between the 2.

10. Why do they say 'chase your dream'? Is it meant to be elusive?

A Wednesday...

I just wanted to share how my world has changed in the past week. I probably echo what millions of Mumbaikars are feeling.

26/11 was just like any other day.

8:20 PM : Wrapping up work after a long hard day, deciding where to unwind...Sports bar, Leopold or Home...I decided to go straight home. Very unlike me, but I was exhausted.

10:00 PM : I get home, switch on the news.

There were those who unlike me, decided to unwind at Leopold that day. Colleagues, beer, conversations, regular after-work unwinding. 10 paid with their lives. The rest who made it, will live with trauma.
ONE DECISION, a habitual decision, cost them all dearly.
It could have been me.

As the night unfolded, more bad news. The city's posh icons, The Taj and Oberoi Trident were attacked as was CST. 2 terrorists were apprehended 2 streets away from where I live. We heard the shots. Sounded like someone was bursting crackers in a wedding party. I wished that was it.
As I watched the news of Hemant Karkare, Vijay Salaskar and Kamte falling prey to the bullets, I almost felt vulnerable. I felt like they were the only ones who could have protected us. I felt helplessly orphaned.

More casualties, more chaos, more news.

Glued to the TV like the rest of the city, I slept off at 3 AM while watching the hotels under seige and burning rooms. I woke up to the sight of Commandoes being Air dropped in Nariman House at 7:00 AM.
With every addition to the death toll, I wanted to run to the terrorists and PLEAD them to stop. With every addition to the death toll, Mumbai felt like it was losing its own family member.

27/11
Offices weren't declared shut. They just were.
Another day of trauma, anger, utter disbelief and intense fear. My eyes were locked to the TV, unflinching, waiting to hear more bad news. I just wanted to hear the worst. Because I knew it was NOT over.


The drama was unfolding and I felt like I was in a movie. Only difference, I wasn't.

28/11

I decide to go to office like many other Mumbaikars. Trying to live up to the expectations of the rest of the world....trying to display true 'Mumbai Spirit'.
Every face I saw was riddled with fear, a strange restlessness. A billion questions being thrown about that no one answered.

1:00 PM:
We were asked to evacuate the office right away. No time for whys and hows. 'Just leave'..we were told. If you live 'town side', do not go home. I called my land lady who asked me not to think of venturing home. She said she could hear shots and was terrified.

I shared a cab with my colleagues and decided to go to the burbs...which were relatively safer. My colleagues were hysterical. We rolled up the windows, trying to do whatever we could, to feel safe. We knew it made no difference, we cowered anyway, expecting a barrage of bullets from random directions.

The roads were deserted. I have never seen a city so fearful. There were rumours that there were some more terrorists on the lose. I have never felt so much fear in my life.

I got to a friend's house and spent the most depressing weekend watching more bad news, and being a part of discussions that were full of questions. ANGRY questions.

1. HOW could they have got so close?
2. How could 10 men hold Mumbai to ransom?
3. Why were no precautions taken when the government was forewarned about such attacks?
4. Why were the city's top cops fighting with the most regressive and ineffective bullet vests and weapons?
5. Why did the NSG come in 9 whole hours after the attack?
6. Why was Shivraj Patil, one of the most spineless and USELESS men in politics, EVER appointed to the cabinet with one of the most important protfolios?


This Wednesday, exactly a week later, I marched in a peace vigil with thousands like me who don't just want to see change, they want to BE the change.

People of all ages and social classes (I am not even going to get into the religion, caste and creed aspect), people like you and me walked the streets of South Mumbai. The energy was palpable. Looked like an entire city had awakened from a long deep slumber and was raring to go.

And as I stood outside the Trident, singing the National Anthem with my brothers and sisters, I knew that this time things will be different, because I am not counting on someone else to make my world better.
I am going to help myself.

26/11...not like any other day.